​Weeks 5 and 6: diary of an office worker

5 months ago Stuart Bonner, Mathew Peters and Richard Skipper

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Which decade had the better music – the ‘40s or ‘50s? Have you had any moments of neighbourly tension recently? What time’s an acceptable time to buy alcohol? Now in the second month of working from home, Stuart Bonner and Mathew Peters return with week 6 in their diary of an office worker, while a special guest fills us in on his week 5!

Week 5 – Richard Skipper

Surprisingly Messrs. Bonner and Peters invited me to contribute to their weekly WFH blog on Friday, maybe to provide a fresh perspective to their somewhat distorted interpretation of comedy or because of my incessant nagging about being in the gang! Either way there’s undeniably a degree of pressure to spar with these two Investigo legends of dark humour. Joining the blog team in week 5 meant a certain “questionable” style had already been established, which in hindsight may make some people reflect on why I didn’t start contributing sooner!

Week 5 for me started pretty much the same as weeks 1-4 did. With my daughter at home working tirelessly to complete her dissertation, most mornings I hear the familiar cry from the kitchen of “would you like a tea or coffee Dad?” Typically I will have just completed my Microsoft Teams 9am call and promptly respond with “red wine please.” It’s getting close to 10am and it’s not as if I’m likely to be driving anywhere for the next few weeks!

After a couple more teas or coffees, I’m fired up for the day and rush to get the morning’s crucially important work calls done before 10.30am, when the entire UK population pauses, reflects and prepares themselves for what can only be described as the highlight of the day: Ken Bruce hosting PopMaster on Radio 2! I average about 20 points depending on the music era of course. I’m really strong on anything from the 1940s and early ‘50s! Twice since WFH I had cause to miss the show due to inconsiderate colleagues calling me, don’t they know about PopMaster??

Otherwise my day can largely be spent watching my 10-year-old dog move from one sofa to another, unaware of what is going on in the outside world and really only interested in seeing whether I pick up his lead for the obligatory walk to Tesco’s. He’s really not clued up about social distancing but has developed a real appetite for hand sanitiser!

Week 6 – Stuart and Mathew

I woke up to my wife looking lovingly into my eyes and saying the words, ”Let’s put some Piers on!” Great!

Did a morning run to the local Co-op today to get the 4 core essentials. Milk, bread, eggs, alcohol. The shame when the shop assistant informed me you can’t buy alcohol before 8am. Who knew!? I of course bought my other goods, waited outside for the 10 minutes and went back in to buy the booze, avoiding all eye contact clearly. It was definitely a Cersei Lannister moment: “Shame, shame, shame!”

I had a 42-minute standoff with my neighbour the other day. It wasn’t a noise or rubbish dispute, it’s just that neither of us wanted to be the first to go indoors and finish clapping the NHS on Thursday night. Eventually he caved! Ha!

Every time I turn on the TV there’s a DIY / home transformation programme on. Have they always been there? Is my other half sending me subliminal messages to renovate the house? I’m so glad Wickes and B&Q are sold out of everything!

My wife’s not been sleeping properly and she said the other morning, “Considering I’m not commuting and getting up as early, I really shouldn’t look this bad, there’s no excuse.” Apparently “You don’t look anywhere near as bad as you did yesterday” is not an acceptable response.

Went to sleep with the MS Teams tune ringing in my ear… Another week done!

If you missed month 1 in isolation you can read it here: https://www.investigo.life/blog/2020/04/month-1-in-isolation-diary-of-an-office-worker